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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<title> S.M. Albanie</title>
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<div class="container">
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<div class="ten columns" style="margin-top: 25%">
<h4>Samuel Albanie</h4>
<h5 id="subheader">distinctly average computer vision researcher</h5>
<div class="navbar-spacer"></div>
<nav class="navbar">
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<ul class="navbar-list">
<li class="navbar-item">
<a class="navbar-link" href="index.html">Me</a>
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<a class="navbar-link" href="curriculum-vitals.html">CV</a>
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<div class="twevle columns" style="margin-top: 8%">
<h5>Personal</h5>
<p>About six foot tall, in the morning. Star sign: Cancer, so I’m sensitive
to the feelings of others and have a vivid imagination, but I can also seem
moody in stressful situations, especially around a Sagittarius. My shoe
size is 11 UK (or 13 US), but my feet are quite wide, so I struggle to find
shoes in standard retailers such as Clarks.</p>
<h5>Academic History</h5>
<p>I was once described as “quite clever”, by my tutor, and at the
precocious age of just 20, almost beat my younger brother at a game of
chess. He is however, by his own admission, not very good.</p>
<p>By the age of 14, I could read. In English, mainly, but also in a
language I made up in my head. It had only one vowel, <em>o</em>, so
difficult pronunciation was also a skill I got to grips with early.</p>
<h5>Employment History</h5>
<p>Shortly after my voice had dropped, I was out on the farmland as a
beater in the local shoot. I’m widely feared by pheasants and foxes near
Shelfanger, a metropolis of commerce and culture in Norfolk (UK).
From these experiences, I have developed the skills necessary to use
violence and loud shouting to resolve confrontation.</p>
<p>As soon as I could taste the difference between Adnams Southworld
Bitter and Adnams Broadside, I embarked on my next major career move,
spending three and a half weeks working on a worm farm (selecting the
juiciest and finest worms to be used as bait). This allowed me to develop
an appreciation for quality, technical agricultural practice, and the
colour of a healthy worm. </p>
<p>My next opportunity for gainful employment arose out in the colonies
at an insurance consultancy firm. This exposed me to a style of refined
business etiquette that I had previously been unaccustomed to in Norfolk.
<em>Skill acquired:</em> The ability to pour a glass of rum <em>under
pressure</em>.</p>
<p>I followed this up with a trip to Asia, where I taught literally tens
of children the nuances of the English language. They called me “Shan Mu”
(<em>mountain berry</em>). This name arose from an alcohol fuelled argument
over the definition of a berry, in a bar in down town Shanghai. The
observant linguist will notice the phonetic similarity to my Christian
forename, Samuel.</p>
<p>Finally, to continue my cultural diversification, I took a job in a
steel factory, thirty seven minutes and fifteen seconds (on a road bike,
into a mild headwind, no precipitation, mild cloud cover) away from my
home. Any prospective employer should therefore note that I am comfortable
with the harsh realities of commuting. Here, I learned how to keep up the
appearance of work in front of factory supervisors, whilst contributing
the A.M (<em>absolute minimum</em>), towards efficiency and production.
I also learned to develop my considerable linguistic skills, and can
count to seventeen fluently in Polish. </p>
<h5>Other Interests And Achievements</h5>
<p>Most people struggle to name their proudest achievement. As this CV
shows, if you are looking for a member of the “most” category, I’m not
the candidate for you. If you’re looking for exceptional, look no further.
Proudest achievement: My Yahtzee record against my Grandmother:</p>
<p>Wins 14, Losses 3.</p>
</p>
<p>I’m also a keen sportsman. I played as the second ranked player in the
“Attleborough Allstars” B team, in the Norfolk Table Tennis Association,
Third Division. At my final school sportsday, I came second in the 800m.
Honesty and integrity, are however, also qualities that come easily to me,
and it is worth noting that several high performing athletes were ill at
the time, having contracted food poisoning the night before at my birthday
party. I cooked the chicken.</p>
<h5>Poetry</h5>
<p>Few CVs include a poetry section. The following piece was inspired by
real life experiences and was submitted to a poetry competition in 2016
<sup><a href="#fn1" id="ref1">1</a></sup>:
</p>
<p>
<em>Computer you piece of @#$%&!<br>
Now is not the time.<br>
The deadline approaches.<br>
</em>
</p>
<br>
<h5>Other Employment</h5>
<p><strong>Paper round</strong>, stretching from house 34, Lewis Lane,
Diss (reads the Telegraph), to 47, Appletetre Lane, Diss (reads the sun,
has a Doberman called Spike).</p>
<p>Worked as a <em>tyre consultant</em> in T.H Tyre Garage, Diss for three
months, before legal complications arose regarding age of employment.</p>
<h5>Referees</h5>
<ol>
<li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Webb">Howard Webb</a>
I’ve always felt that he was a little quick to hand out a first yellow,
but his firm but fair approach to diving in and around the penalty
area won him respect amongst fans and club management the world over.
</li>
<li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sergio_Pezzotta">
Sergio Pezzotta</a> Never afraid of controversy, or intimidated
by the big names in the dug outs, his favourite colour was red. He
tended to feel that eleven men on each team made the beautiful game
a little too crowded.</li>
<li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierluigi_Collina">
Pierluigi Collina</a> One of the games greatest. He made up for a
lack of hair with an abundance of wisdom, and great people skills.
His prominent eyeballs also gave him a physiological advantage over
his colleagues, leaving many to question whether he was entirely
human.</li>
</p>
</div>
</div>
<p>
<sup id="fn1">1. Robert Pinksy has a
<a href="http://www.bu.edu/english/files/2010/04/Pinsky-11.5.13.pdf">CV</a>
three pages long. It does not contain a single poem. The
former Poet Laureate of the United States does have a section
entitled <em>Poetry</em>. However, rather than delighting the reader
with his poems right then and there <em>"mid-CV"</em> and
sacrificing valuable page space for his art, he simply lists them by
name, together with the names of the numerous rewards that they have
received. In contrast to the poetic success enjoyed by RP, my poem was
rejected. The editor did helpfully offer to give me feedback on my
work - an offer which I declined physically. Poetry is not about
compromise (NOTE: this statement is not an absolute - I removed a
key line of the poem to ensure that it fitted into a tweet).
<a href="#ref1" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text.">↩</a></sup><br>
<hr>
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<div class="ten columns" style="margin-top: 5%">
<p>If, somehow, you made it through all of the above and are
<em>still</em> interested in employing me, drop me an email
(albanie at robots.ox.ac.uk). If required, I can provide a "real"
CV. It's fairly underwhelming.</p>
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